Wednesday, December 28, 2011


It was difficult to witness M, laying on the bathroom floor in his yellow Sponge Bob pajamas, having a seizure.  I've never felt so helpless, so alone, so terrified. I've replayed the image in my head over and over. I can't make the image go away. I think the Sponge Bob pajamas he was wearing will serve as a constant visual reminder of today.  I'd throw them out, but they are his favorite.  Today he was given an orange and green stuffed mouse by the paramedics in the ambulance.  I added it to the ever growing collection.  Most of these lovies have some sort of connection to a hospital or illness.  Most were acquired during hospital stays and ER visits and as part of  post-surgical get well wishes.  Frankly, there are far too many.

I am exhausted, but I am afraid to sleep.  I am afraid to take my eyes and ears away from M.

Today Miss J asked me, "Mama, when God made M, do you think He just took random, leftover parts and just threw them together?  Because M is a pretty mixed up kid if you ask me."

Do I tell her I have been wondering similar things myself?  

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